Living By The Clock

This has been a very long week. That sounds funny as I write this for how can a period of time vary from week to week if the same number of minutes and seconds apply? The passage of time in modern society has become a linear concept that can be readily quantified and documented. The descriptors of long and short are irrelevant emotions.

Like most people, I manage my day by the clock. I eat, go to bed, even, write this post at the same time every day, regardless of whether I am hungry, tired, or creative.  In my professional life, I lived by the clock and day planner. My work day was scheduled to the minute; initially in order to bill clients for my services and later to ensure that I never missed a deadline.

Away from the business world for more than a year, the principles of time have lost their meaning and I often find myself floundering. Without a deadline, a set work day, or even an outside imposed direction, the satisfaction that comes from crossing out tasks on the to-do list has disappeared. I’ve become anxious that I am not living my life to its fullest. Nothing can be further from the truth for each day is filled with tasks that are essential in maintaining me, my home and my community. What is now missing is the outward acknowledgement; that pat on the back that I continually received from co-workers, friends and family.

I am fully grasping the sense of loss that experts say happens when one transitions into retirement or extended unemployment. The comfort that comes from decades of being part of the working community is suddenly torn out of your routine and you are left to figure out how to fill that void. I have filled some of that loss through writing this blog, photography and taking classes but on days like today, it isn’t enough. As much as I love to write, learn and photograph; these are solitary pursuits. We humans are social animals that require each other as much as food, water and air.  My cats are fine companions but they cannot replace good conversation and a hearty shared laugh.

As I muddled through this period of change, I am increasingly learning that there is more to life than clocks or being constantly busy. The truth is that most projects are not as important as I often deem they are. That report that took me away from family gatherings, kept me awake for nights on end, is now decomposing, unread in the back of the file cabinet. Those dust bunnies will return no matter how many times I sweep the floor. What is important are the relationships I have with people I know and those I will come to know. Life isn’t about possessions or even time management. It is being fully engaged in being who you are and giving of yourself to others.