Taking Risks

I’ve lived a conservative life and I don’t mean in the sociological, political meaning of the word. Growing up in a small town, marrying right after college, following the profession of my father, I didn’t take many chances. I was successful at what I did and lived frugally, saving enough money to retire early. Yet, despite these outward successes, I have always felt a kernel of discontent with my life.  At an age now where questions about purpose and meaning rise to the surface frequently, that kernel has grown into the proverbial elephant in the room that I can no longer ignore.

There are times when I feel compelled to return to my career, picking up where I left off. I know that my skills and experience would contribute greatly to any organization in need of my talents. But when the moment arrives to make that contact, something inside me balks and I pull back.

Having the freedom to pursue other interests, I have thrown myself into writing and photography. My writing, once confined to a personal journal has expanded into this blog. Wildlife Outside My Window is now into its third month and is being read in ten different countries. Sometime in November, I anticipate reaching the 1,000 pageview count.

It took me six months to write my first post, fearful of what people would say and think about me. I kept telling myself I am not a writer and what I had to say would be of little interest to anyone else. I wavered for the longest time before I pressed the Publish button, sending my first post into the world. After 53 posts, I’m not afraid of the Publish button anymore.

I am using this flush of self confidence to take another risk. This week, I placed five photographs for sale on the website, Redbubble.com. Friends have complemented my photography and suggested that I put my work out into the marketplace. Like my writing, I have no illusions about my photography skills; Ansel Adams, I’m not. But unless I take that chance, I will never know for sure if my photographs bring meaning to others in the way they touch me.

There are moments in my life when I was pushed beyond my comfort level and abilities. Sometimes I failed dismally and the pain of failure cut me deep. But I have had successes as well that motivated and pushed me into new and unknown terrains. Looking back on my fears, they are more often than not my mind spinning around the worst that can happen and not the best. It has taken me a very long time to understand that and I have no expectation that the next challenge will be any easier or successful. But what I have found is that the elephant in the room is beginning to shrink in size and that is good.